TOOL Definitions

[Rogan]

TOOL DEFINITIONS:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE -GRIPS: Gener ally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirel y for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4 to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire and rounds them off.

FUKKERRRR TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''FUKKERRRR'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[dorkweed]

TOOL....................President of the USA.

[ISX]

Pardon me for ruining this jovial thing a little, I just saw some things on here that some guys on this site might do that I would like to shed some solutions on.

TOOL DEFINITIONS:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

2 Solutions to this one. More than likely it is in a vise and it just so happens you can tighten the part then spin the vise clockwise (looking down at it) until it hits the drill press support tube. The drill bit will break instead. Option 2 is to just vise grip the thing to the table..

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...''

Given 2 mobile parts they don't stand a chance. Solution, immobilize them. I have put the grinder or the bolt in a vise to fix the problem. Doing it freehand is fine but tricky obviously.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

A problem that will never go away because of how cheap they are. Hmm they usually protrude from the hole a little. Drill a hole just big enough to let the pop rivet drill bit through then smash it on the rivet and it will hold down the edges protruding from the rivet.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Another thing with 2 immobile objects that takes "skill" to use. Great for shawty work so it will stick around forever.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Depends on the pliers you used. Vise Grips work better. They make some weird torx bit looking sockets now that don't round them off, they are slick.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Grit factors in but mostly true. This is why hand sanding is still used so much.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

I wouldn't use that for anything other than wood or a piece of steel you don't like. I think they make guides for them though.

VISE -GRIPS: Gener ally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Apparently they read my last thing about pliers but yes still true. If it's that stuck then I resort to the cut off wheel. Hammering a bolt does shock the rust though. A swift kick and some penetrating oil does wonders. I took a powerstroke turbo with a ton of miles on it off in my apartment with nothing but some sockets and penetrating oil, no vice so I couldn't get any real torque on the bolts. Came apart like nothing.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Switch to leather gloves for the cat's meow.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirel y for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.

This is about as old school rip and tear as it gets so I avoid it completely. Maybe jlwelding can be more precise with his laser thinger.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Happened to me in wood shop class, thank god my nuts were there or it woulda scratched the paint on the cinder block wall. Stand to one side of the projectile if possible..

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Use your own judgement from here on

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4 to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Use a punch...stop using duallys to pull around single jetski trailers.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire and rounds them off.

Yeah you guys might not realize how much damage impact wrenches do to the aluminum intake manifold and other bolts. I stripped my intercooler boot bolt out a little and went all the way to georgia and back before finally hearing it explode off at 40psi. Loosen bolts with the impact, tighten it to the lowest torque setting or just when you feel you can endure the 5 rotations left in the bolt, then tighten it by hand the rest of the way.

FUKKERRRR TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''FUKKERRRR'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Again sorry for turning something funny into something serious but I see this crap on a lot of forums and figured it could help someone.

[YabbaDoo]

That was funny:lol:

[Rogan]

Pardon me for ruining this jovial thing a little, I just saw some things on here that some guys on this site might do that I would like to shed some solutions on. Again sorry for turning something funny into something serious but I see this crap on a lot of forums and figured it could help someone.

Buzzkill.

[dripley]

That whole list was hilarious. Every one I read reminded me something brainy I had done with each every tool on the list. Still got tear in my eyes.

[ISX]

Buzzkill.

I know, I'm a sinner Maybe I'll learn something when I reread it.

[dripley]

I know, I'm a sinner Maybe I'll learn something when I reread it.

Dont stand behind the table saw.