The Electric Fence (Found this on Facebook) *Strong Language*

[Baconbitsforu]

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.Time stood still.The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of ____ lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of ____ chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.4 - My left eye will not open.5 - My right eye will not close.6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[Turbolover]

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of ____ lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of ____ chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Holy cow. I couldn't quit laughing reading this. My wife asked what I was laughing about. Well as I am laughing my butt off trying to read it to her she was laughing so hard I think she peed herself. Sent from my DROID X2 using Tapatalk 2

[Baconbitsforu]

It still gets to me every time I read it.

[flagmanruss]

Once upon a time we own a mini-stud horse, named "Hoby".

He was definately virile... had climbed over or run through fences to get to the mares... remember Hoby was only 30" tall. I took my HD fence charger, drilled a hole in it'c case & ran a wire to a RV/Marine battery with the wing nuts on the top. The internal battery was specified as a 6V battery & the RV battery was 12V. Hoby tried the fence 3 times in under a minute. I knocked him down on tries 1 & 3. The third time, he snuck around behind me & sneakily put his nose on it to test it!

When the kids were young, Sonya was helping me feed the big horses one rainy day. We both had high rubber boots on, the rain was coming down. We take the top hot wire down & stepped over the lower cold wire. Poor Sonya was wearing thin shorts & the bare inside of her leg touched the bottom wire. The rain had shorted something, the bottom wire was live, she shreeked, got stung a couple of times. I was able to turn around & just lift her off the wire.

The next day, I rewired the fence so that could not happen again.

Sheila, Sonya, Ginger (Sheila's shetland) at rendezvous.

[dorkweed]

In 1976, my Dad bought a horse so that he wouldn't have to "rent-a-nag" at the pointer and setter field trials he used to run in. The first 2 years we had "Satin", he was kept at my Uncles place as he had a small barn, and had 2.5 acres. Perfect for one horse. Anyhow, Dad got an electric fence box from someone. This was not a battery one either..........it plugged into the wall socket!!! Brushing up on that "hot wire" would leave marks on you skin!!!!:stuned:

[flagmanruss]

My ex's brother definately a red neck... had a problem with the neighborhood dogs dumping his 55 gallon trash cans behind the garage. Ole Johnny put the trash cans up on tires. He stragically placed a secion of the Navy CB's aircraft landing mat (makes beautiful trailer decking if you can find it.) He connected the barrels with jumper cables. He stuck the end of a 110 feed under one clamp, the ground to the landing mat... plugged it in. The trash was not tipped over after that.However, Johnny had to get a new trash man after he forgot to unplug it on trash day. I swear, I saw it with my own eyes!