Since its cold out and I don't want to go outside unless I have to, I thought I would start a mood lifting  thread for all to share in. I will start.

 

Builder walks up to the job where he got his guys framing a new home.

Builder says, why you guys throwin' all these nails all over the place?

Well... the head of the nail was on the wrong end of the nail.

Builder says, well yer supposed to save them for the other side of the house.

I still think this one's funny

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

 

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise 

 

she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

 

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

 

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

That's funny Cowboy....

I actually know a blonde that is pretty smart.

She wangles more free work out of her contractors working on her house... more than anyone else I've ever seen and she gets away with it.

The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
 

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

 

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

 

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

 

RANCHER: That would be me.

Complied after review of security footage at drive up ATM machine:

MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away

WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work,but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

 

encase anyone is wondering why all the blonde jokes...  I get the opportunity to hear a lot of them,  cause  I guess I'm technically a blonde...  

  Four guys are out in the community park plying with their dogs. As men will do, they start to brag about how smart their dogs are.

 

  The first guy, who is an architectural engineer says to the others "you've got to see what my dog can do." He calls to his dog "Slide Rule, do your' thing.  

With that Slide Rule runs home and comes back with a marker pen and a poster board. He puts the poster board down and with the marker pen in his mouth he draws a perfect circle, triangle, and square.

 

  The next man, who is an accountant, says "pretty good but watch this" and calls to his dog "Spread Sheet, do your' thing"

The dog runs home and a few minutes later comes back with a bag of cookies. Spread Sheet takes 12 cookies out of the bag and places 4 cookies each inside the circle, triangle, and square on the poster board.

 

  The third man, who is a chemist, says "not bad but you've got to see what my dog does. Beaker show use what you've got."

The dog take off for home and comes back pulling a wagon. In the wagon is a quart of milk and three 12 oz glass tumblers. Beaker put each tumbler next to a stack of cookies on the poster board and fills each tumbler to 8oz exactly.

 

  The last dog owner, who works for the State Department of Motor Vehicles, looks at his dog and, while sadly shaking his head, says "Coffey Break, do your thing."                                     Coffey Break slowly gets up and waddles over to the poster board. He proceeds to eat all 12 cookies, drinks all the milk, and relieves himself on the poster board.  He then gets into a fight with the other dogs, hurts his back, files a clam with state workers comp and a grievance with the Union for unsafe working conditions. He waddles home and takes the rest of the day off.  

 

 

encase anyone is wondering why all the blonde jokes...  I get the opportunity to hear a lot of them,  cause  I guess I'm technically a blonde...  

 

Ummm... I'm blonde by choice. My actual hair color is brown but I due to head in and be streaked (bleached) so I have a bit of blonde added. Bring on the jokes...

 

Yankneck he's a blonde too.

I have always heard the term weasel pecker and thought of it as a somewhat derogative term but I guess I was wrong, they actually exist.............THEY ARE REAL!!!!!!

 

According to the news....................it eventually fell off................the weasel that is lol.    

 

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2015/03/03/photographer-catches-weasel-hitching-ride-on-woodpecker-back/

 

Pretty much looked like me about 2 summers ago at the lake or on the river after a few too many beverages. Not anymore, 82 lbs. lighter and fit as a fiddle!

 

 

 

Does it mean that I'm a bad person if I'm laughing out loud at this while I'm commenting on how mean this is?  

 

 

Ummm... I'm blonde by choice. My actual hair color is brown but I due to head in and be streaked (bleached) so I have a bit of blonde added. Bring on the jokes...

 

Yankneck he's a blonde too.

OK I'm a bit slow here, are you implying you dye your hair?

OK I'm a bit slow here, are you implying you dye your hair?

 

Yes. No joke. I actually bleach some of the dark color out of it. About every 6 months I have it done.

http://www.callthecops.net/police-officer-district-attorney-defense-attorney-hit-contempt-court-cops-testimony/

 

An officer testifying in a Drunk Driving trial has landed multiple people in jail on Contempt of Court charges. These charges stem from a breakdown in decorum during the officer’s testimony.

 

Courtroom laughter over Officer’s Name lands three in jail.

Officer Harold Beaver had just taken the stand when the trouble started. The district Attorney started direct examination in the normal manor. Below is the official transcript of the trial…

 

Once order was restored the testimony continued without any major issues. That is until later in direct examination the video of the arrest was played. Below is a transcript of the video that was played in court.

Prosecutor: Please state your name and profession for the record

Officer: Officer Beaver, Police Officer for the city of Pizda

Prosecutor: Sorry officer but we need your first and last name.

Officer: Sorry… Harold is my name, but most people call me Harry.

Defense: Laughter

Judge: You find something funny councilor?

Defense: No your honor… was just taken a back by the fact this officer just admitted on record people call him Harry Beaver…

Full Gallery: uncontrolled laughter

Judge: Order… order… I demand order… the next time anyone laughs I will be finding people in contempt!

The courtroom then once again erupted in uncontrolled laughter. It should be noted that the officer does have male pattern baldness and as a result has a noticeable comb over.

Officer: Sir based on your admission of having a few beers I need you to step out and perform some tests.

Defendant: OK

Officer: First I will need to check your eyes. Please stand with your feet together and your hands at your sides. Now I need you to keep your eyes on the light here at the tip of my pen. Can you see the light.

Defendant: wait… is your name Beaver

Officer: Yes… now… can you see the light… I need you to follow the light with your eyes.

Defendant: You have a receding hair line…

Officer: Sir… please focus…Can you see the light… I need you to follow the light with your eyes.

Defendant: Ever think about shaving what little hair you have? Or are you embarrassed about being a bald beaver…

Even members of the jury were laughing at the dash camera video. The judge had to end court for the day. But he demanded that the three people he viewed as responsible for the outrage in his court to remain.

The judge then admonished the prosecutor, the defense attorney and the officer for allowing such an obvious joke to be perpetuated in his courtroom. When Officer Beaver spoke up that his name was not his fault, the judge handed out his first order of contempt of court. A $500 fine and one night in jail.

Quickly the lawyers were arguing about how this was not their personal faults. As lawyers they could not control what happened in the past. The judge though was not impressed. He also ordered the defense and prosecutor in contempt also.

Due to the tainting of the jury the judge has called for a miss-trial. The trial date has been re-scheduled for next month.